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Be'knots Woundy Doom

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PostSubject: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 7:53 am

I wanted to know if 'anyone' likes the first chapter of my Pokemon FanFic entitled 'Luke'...names gonna change, so tell me what you think, and any critisism is also appreciated.

Chapter 1: And So It Begins...Again
Luke was just getting ready when the alarm rang...she was late. She got changed into a Light
Green Skirt. Her shirt was modelled after famous Pokemon Trainer Leaf.
She rushed away without breakfastand skipped teeth brushing. She was about to reach Prof. Oak's
Lab when she was balled over.It was Blake. Blake was also starting his pokemon journey today. He
was wearing a Yellow vest over a black shirt. He's pants were torn and had dirt all over them. He's
hair was spiked and orange as always."Ha Ha! Little Miss rush was late again!" He laughed. He took two
steps and fell over. Luke laughed and ran ahead. As she reached the Lab, she was amazed.
It had been completely remodelled for the new Pokemon Trainers. The windows were tinted,
the doors were automatic and the lawn was full of Bellsprout. As she walked inside, she
smelled a strange smell. It smelt of lemons and oatmeal. It was Prof. Oak.
"Hello Proffessor," she said excitedly.
"Hello Luke, ready to pick your pokemon?" he asked while taking a spoonfull of oatmeal.
"Hell Yeah!" she exclaimed.
Luke was having a hard time choosing. Squirtle; the Turtle, Charmander; the Salamander
or Bulbasaur; the Dinosaur.
"I'll choose Squirtle," she finally said.
"Then I'll choose Bulbasaur," said Blake.
Luke was walking out the doors when Blake said something.
"Wanna battle?" he asked.
Luke walked backwards and kicked him in the face before walking away. Luke did not want to
get a Pokedex. She was stubborn and would probably let it die. She was on the road to Viridian City.
"Okay, Viridian Forest," Luke said bravely. She walked cautiously, avoiding the Caterpie.
Then she heard a noise.
"Sounds like Paras," she said quietly.
She was dead wrong.
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Chick In A Box

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 9:11 am

Shit story, bro.

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Ungrateful Dead

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 12:53 pm

I stopped at pokemon fanfic
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Caby

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 1:50 pm

Ungrateful Dead wrote:
I stopped at pokemon fanfic
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Ganonthegreat

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 1:53 pm

Caboose wrote:
Ungrateful Dead wrote:
I stopped at pokemon fanfic

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:04 pm

I stopped at .
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:31 pm

Look, I appreciate that you're already trying to do some sort of writing, unlike many others around here, so here are a few tips and hints you need to do:
-Those sentences are blargh. Boring, short, unprecise and overall just a load of rubbish to read. You must add more diversity in structure. Add metaphors, similes, alliterations, and well-thought adjectives.
-It's too '---.', '---.', '---.'. Do this, do that, end. No. You need more detail. More thoughts, more reflexions, more everything.
And, er, explain what the fuck is going on.

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<Na>Suliboy
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 7:02 pm

Basically what CnP said. I read through about half of it before I stopped. The diction of it is really basic, like, junior high writing at best. It's just so this-then-then after-type writing.
Also, please go with an original story. Fanfics already aren't very well accepted anywhere anymore.

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Caby

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 8:48 pm

<Na>Suliboy wrote:
Basically what CnP said. I read through about half of it before I stopped. The diction of it is really basic, like, junior high writing at best. It's just so this-then-then after-type writing.
Also, please go with an original story. Fanfics already aren't very well accepted anywhere anymore.
Yeah you need something less gay for us to laugh at
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Dastardly Bastard

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 9:20 pm

Ganonthegreat wrote:
Caboose wrote:
Ungrateful Dead wrote:
I stopped at pokemon fanfic

I stopped when I clicked on this topic and hit back.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 11:22 pm

Junior high level, Suli? You gotta be kidding me.
This is primary level. 'See Spot run' is somewhat better than this.

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Hi, it's me, jeonharam99 from the Mcleodgaming wiki.
I'm back to the SSF series!

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<Na>Suliboy
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Fri Apr 30, 2010 11:45 pm

Copy'n'Paste wrote:
Junior high level, Suli? You gotta be kidding me.
This is primary level. 'See Spot run' is somewhat better than this.

That's why I said at best. People like you and I, obviously, wrote better during our junior high years, but, at its worst, those of junior high level would also write like this.

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Be'knots Woundy Doom

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 12:16 am

I can write better, this is just not an original story. If it was original, it would be better.
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Dastardly Bastard

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 12:26 am

You? Original?

You're less original than every hedgehog after Sonic.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 12:52 am

SomebodyUDon'tKnow wrote:
I can write better, this is just not an original story. If it was original, it would be better.
Now don't try getting excuses.
You can make any kind of story with the same quality, whatever it talks about, whatever it is. So don't start talking shit like you know something.

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Corka Cola

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 5:40 am

One thing I didn't get when I started reading it, Luke is supposed to be a guy's name.
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Be'knots Woundy Doom

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 6:00 am

Luke, short for Lucas, but since there is already a Lucas in Pokemon, I called her by her nickname, Luke.
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Dastardly Bastard

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 1:28 pm

Lucas is also a male name.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 2:21 pm

SomebodyUDon'tKnow wrote:
Luke, short for Lucas, but since there is already a Lucas in Pokemon, I called her by her nickname, Luke.

Yep. Many females are called Lucas.

Sudk, just because someone says they're a chick doesn't mean they are.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 2:26 pm

Dastardly Bastard wrote:
Ganonthegreat wrote:
Caboose wrote:
Ungrateful Dead wrote:
I stopped at pokemon fanfic

I stopped when I clicked on this topic and hit back.

I skipped to the end after viewing pokemon fanfic.
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Dastardly Bastard

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sat May 01, 2010 10:41 pm

Cuccio wrote:
SomebodyUDon'tKnow wrote:
Luke, short for Lucas, but since there is already a Lucas in Pokemon, I called her by her nickname, Luke.

Yep. Many females are called Lucas.

Sudk, just because someone says they're a chick doesn't mean they are.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sun May 02, 2010 7:49 am

Cuccio wrote:
SomebodyUDon'tKnow wrote:
Luke, short for Lucas, but since there is already a Lucas in Pokemon, I called her by her nickname, Luke.

Yep. Many females are called Lucas.

Sudk, just because someone says they're a chick doesn't mean they are.
Hi there.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sun May 02, 2010 9:02 am

Chick In A Box wrote:
Cuccio wrote:
SomebodyUDon'tKnow wrote:
Luke, short for Lucas, but since there is already a Lucas in Pokemon, I called her by her nickname, Luke.

Yep. Many females are called Lucas.

Sudk, just because someone says they're a chick doesn't mean they are.
Hi there.

Fucking lol!

It's an inside joke (sort of)
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PostSubject: Re: What do you think?   Sun May 02, 2010 1:39 pm

Mr. guy wrote:
Chick In A Box wrote:
Cuccio wrote:
SomebodyUDon'tKnow wrote:
Luke, short for Lucas, but since there is already a Lucas in Pokemon, I called her by her nickname, Luke.

Yep. Many females are called Lucas.

Sudk, just because someone says they're a chick doesn't mean they are.
Hi there.

Fucking lol!

It's an inside joke (sort of)
No it isn't. Fucking dpishti.
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